The Inbox [Part 9/9] – TURN UP… For God

So I’ve been in the email game for a long time, but it seems that I’ve been in the email hoarding game for an even longer time. Therefore, I’ve decided to share some of the more funny and interesting emails that I’ve received over the years guaranteed to either (1) make you laugh or (2) say “Wow!”. HAPPY SUMMER EVERYBODY!

In an email sent to me on FRI 10/7/2005 from my then girlfriend (who became my wife)…

“SEVEN RULES FROM GOD”

1. WAKE UP! — Decide to have a good day. — “Today is the day the Lord hath made; let us rejoice and be glad in it.” -Psalm 118:24

2. DRESS UP! — The best way to dress up is to put on a smile. A smile is an inexpensive way to improve your looks. — “The Lord does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance; but the Lord looks at the heart.” -I Samuel 16:7

3. SHUT UP! — Say nice things and learn to listen. God gave us two ears and one mouth, so He must have meant for us to do twice as much listening as talking. — “He who guards his lips guards his soul.” -Proverbs 13:3

4. STAND UP! — For what you believe in. Stand for something or you will fall for anything. — “Let us not be weary in doing good; for at the proper time, we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. Therefore, as we have opportunity, let us do good…” -Galatians 6:9-10

5. LOOK UP! — To the Lord. — “I can do everything through Christ who strengthens me.” -Philippians 4:13

6. REACH UP! — For something higher. — “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not unto your own understanding. In all your ways, acknowledge Him, and He will direct your path.” -Proverbs 3:5-6

7. LIFT UP! — Your prayers. — “Do not worry about anything; instead PRAY ABOUT EVERYTHING.” -Philippians 4:6

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The Inbox [Part 7/9] – The Truth Is Steadfast and Unmovable

So I’ve been in the email game for a long time, but it seems that I’ve been in the email hoarding game for an even longer time. Therefore, I’ve decided to share some of the more funny and interesting emails that I’ve received over the years guaranteed to either (1) make you laugh or (2) say “Wow!”. HAPPY SUMMER EVERYBODY!

In an email that I sent to myself on TUE 1/6/2009 (so I wouldn’t forget it) from Crosswalk.com

“Moments Together for Couples” by Dennis and Barbara Rainey: TRUTH DEMANDS A RESPONSE

“Teach me Thy way, O Lord; I will walk in Thy truth.” -Psalm 86:11

One foggy night, the captain of a large ship saw what appeared to be another ship’s lights approaching in the distance. This other ship was on a course that would mean a head-on collision. Quickly, the captain signaled to the approaching ship: “Please change your course 10 degrees west.”

The reply came blinking back through the thick fog: “You change your course 10 degrees east.”

Indignantly, the captain pulled rank and shot a message back to the other ship: “I am a sea captain with 35 years of experience. Change your course 10 degrees west!”

Without hesitation, the signal flashed back: “I am a seaman, fourth class. You change your course 10 degrees east!”

Enraged, the captain realized they were approaching each other quickly and would crash within minutes. So he blazed his final warning: “I am a 50,000-ton freighter. Change your course 10 degrees west!”

A simple message winked back: “I am a lighthouse. You change your course!”

Like the sea captain, we may need to change course when confronted with the truth. That’s what happens when we make it a priority to spend time reading and applying God’s Word. It is eternal truth. It doesn’t change, so we need to adjust our lives to walk in that truth.

So many of us spend our lives avoiding the truth of God’s Word because we don’t want to walk in it. Christ said in John 8:32 that “the truth shall make you free,” but as Herbert Agar wrote in A Time for Greatness, “The truth that makes men free is for the most part the truth which men prefer not to hear.”

What is the Bible to you? A collection of nice stories? The foundation of a conservative worldview? Or is it God’s Word, “living and active and sharper than any two-edged sword?” (Heb. 4:12). Does anything keep you from obeying God’s Word in every area of your life-your business, your marriage, your family? Do you need to adjust the course on which you are heading today?

PRAYER: That God’s Word will be your guide in decision making and your rock in establishing family values and priorities.

DISCUSS: Is there a truth you have been avoiding in your life-an area of your relationship you have been unwilling to confront?

The Inbox [Part 6/9] – Christmas In July?

So I’ve been in the email game for a long time, but it seems that I’ve been in the email hoarding game for an even longer time. Therefore, I’ve decided to share some of the more funny and interesting emails that I’ve received over the years guaranteed to either (1) make you laugh or (2) say “Wow!”. HAPPY SUMMER EVERYBODY!

In an email that I sent to myself on TUE 1/6/2009 (so I wouldn’t forget it) from Crosswalk.com

“American Minute” by Bill Federer

In 567 AD, the Council of Tours ended a dispute. Western Europe celebrated Christmas, December 25, and Eastern Europe celebrated Epiphany, JANUARY 6, recalling the Wise Men’s visit and Jesus’ baptism. The Council of Tours made all 12 days from December 25 to January 6 “holy days” or “holidays,” thus “The Twelve Days of Christmas.” The song, “The Twelve Days of Christmas,” is thought to have been inspired by a 1625 song “In Those Twelve Days,” which assigned a spiritual meanings to each day:

What are they that are but one? We have one God alone.

What are they which are by two? Two testaments, Old and New.

What are they which are but three? Three persons in the Trinity.

What are they which are but four? Four sweet Evangelists there are.

What are they which are but five? Five senses.

What are they which are but six? Six days to labor.

What are they which are but seven? Seven liberal arts hath God sent down.

What are they which are but eight? Eight Beatitudes.

What are they which are but nine? Nine Muses… with sacred tunes.

What are they which are but ten? Ten statutes God to Moses gave.

What are they which are but eleven? Eleven thousand virgins… suffered death for Jesus’ sake.

What are they which are but twelve? Twelve attending on God’s son.

The Inbox [Part 5/9] – Case Dismissed!

So I’ve been in the email game for a long time, but it seems that I’ve been in the email hoarding game for an even longer time. Therefore, I’ve decided to share some of the more funny and interesting emails that I’ve received over the years guaranteed to either (1) make you laugh or (2) say “Wow!”. HAPPY SUMMER EVERYBODY!

In an email sent to me on MON 3/26/2012

In Florida, an atheist created a case against Easter and Passover Holy days. He hired an attorney to bring a discrimination case against Christians and Jews and observances of their Holy days. The argument was that it was unfair that atheists had no such recognized days. The case was brought before a judge. After listening to the passionate presentation by the lawyer, the judge banged his gavel declaring, “Case dismissed!”

The lawyer immediately stood objecting to the ruling saying, “Your honor, How can you possibly dismiss this case? The Christians have Christmas, Easter, and others. The Jews have Passover, Yom Kippur, and Hanukkah, yet my client and all other atheists have no such holidays.”

The judge leaned forward in his chair saying, “But you do. Your client, counsel, is woefully ignorant.”

The lawyer said, ” Your Honor, we are unaware of any special observance or holiday for atheists.”

The judge said, “The calendar says April 1st is April Fool’s Day. Psalm 14:1 states, ‘The fool says in his heart, there is no God.’ Thus, it is the opinion of this court, that, if your client says there is no God, then he is a fool. Therefore, April 1st is his day. Court is adjourned.”

You gotta love a Judge that knows his scripture.

The Inbox [Part 4/9] – Your Bed Is Waiting

So I’ve been in the email game for a long time, but it seems that I’ve been in the email hoarding game for an even longer time. Therefore, I’ve decided to share some of the more funny and interesting emails that I’ve received over the years guaranteed to either (1) make you laugh or (2) say “Wow!”. HAPPY SUMMER EVERYBODY!

In an email sent to me on FRI 8/1/2008…

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director “How do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized?”

“Well,” said the Director, “we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup, and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.”

“Oh, I understand,” said the visitor. “A normal person would use the bucket because it’s bigger than the spoon or the teacup.”

“No” said the Director. “A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?”

The Inbox [Part 3/9] – Married Four Times

So I’ve been in the email game for a long time, but it seems that I’ve been in the email hoarding game for an even longer time. Therefore, I’ve decided to share some of the more funny and interesting emails that I’ve received over the years guaranteed to either (1) make you laugh or (2) say “Wow!”. HAPPY SUMMER EVERYBODY!

In an email sent to me on MON 3/14/2011…

The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth time. The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband’s occupation.

“He’s a funeral director,” she answered.

“Interesting,” the newsman thought. He then asked her if she wouldn’t mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living. She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years.

After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her early 20’s, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40’s, and a preacher when in her 60’s, and now in her 80’s, a funeral director.

The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.

She smiled and explained, “I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go.”

The Inbox [Part 2/9] – Definitely Not The Same

So I’ve been in the email game for a long time, but it seems that I’ve been in the email hoarding game for an even longer time. Therefore, I’ve decided to share some of the more funny and interesting emails that I’ve received over the years guaranteed to either (1) make you laugh or (2) say “Wow!”. HAPPY SUMMER EVERYBODY!

In an email sent to me on MON 8/4/2008…

In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University. On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee, inspected the elephant’s foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.

As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled.

Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenage son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, and then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing, and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs, and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn’t the same elephant.