Let me apologize up front for the “old-man rant” that you are about to read. Every time I try to go clothes shopping, it frustrates me to no end. Therefore, I thought I’d do a little “typing therapy” to help in my recovery. Enjoy.
In a country of obesity, skinny jeans should not exist.
(There. I said it.)
I’m not a big guy, but I’m not a skinny guy either. I’ve paid my dues to the “Golden Arches”… me and Ms. Wendy had a thing goin’ on back in the day… I’ve had an audience with the (burger) King a few times… and I’ve given in to a Bloomin’ Onion or two. I admit that (and possibly a little more), but it boggles my mind that “skinny jeans” even exist. Skinny jeans in a generally obese country?… How does something like that happen?
I understand that the current fashion trends for the youth of this country point towards “skinny jeans”, but reality sets in pretty good between 25 and 30 years of age. Beyond 30, you are definitely in acceptance mode of whatever “weighty” circumstances you are in. I have, in my old age, accepted the fact that I won’t be back to my high school size, so I won’t delude myself into thinking that I can hang with the young people and try to squeeze my old, aching, cracking bones into jeans not fit for man nor beast (not that I would ever try it anyway). At this point, it’s called “management” (i.e. – even if you can’t get any skinnier, try not to get any chunkier).
To me, skinny jeans have a timeframe to them just like diapers. Diapers work when you’re at a specific point in your life, but afterwhile you don’t need them anymore because the natural course of life dictates that you’re going to grow to a point where diapers won’t be useful to you anymore AND you’ll look crazy for wearing said diapers OUTSIDE OF THE PREDETERMINED TIMEFRAME. I feel the same way about old guys who get their hair “cornrowed”. Speckled gray cornrows are not cute. Why? Because that hairstyle only works between 18-24 not 50+.
Using that “predetermined timeframe” logic, skinny jeans are only for a specific time in your life. That time being when you’re actually skinny… which doesn’t quite fit into the general reality of being a U.S. citizen in the here and now. Reality, according to the CDC, says that “No state (in the US) met the nation’s ‘Healthy People 2010’ goal to lower obesity prevalence to 15%. Rather, in 2010, there were 12 states with an obesity prevalence of 30%. In 2000, no state had an obesity prevalence of 30% or more.” In other words, reality is not consistent with what we tell the youth. They may think that their bodies are indestructable and will never gain an ounce of weight, but I guarantee that if they keep on living they’re going to learn things about their body, hear cracks and other unsettling noises inside their body, feel indescribeable little pains that magically disappear in 24-48 hours, test the limits of their waistline (possibly multiple times if they believe in on and off diets), and a whole plethora of other things that will make them say “skinny what?”.
(All my Icy/Hot, Aspercreme, and 500mg Ibuprofen users holler at me!)
So in conclusion… skinny jeans??? Yeah right. Nothing against those that that wear them, but in my current sphere of reality I call them “denim lies with an expiration date”.
What do you think? Shared wisdom makes us all stronger.